To Love Someone

To love someone is to feel missing someone when you are not with him.

To love someone is to long for his kiss, his embrace, his body against yours.

To love someone is to feel anxious when looking at your phone, waiting for his texts.

To love someone is to spend good time together, eating, chatting, and having fun.

Yet that’s not enough

To love someone is to feel the pain he has.

To get angry cos you think he is being taken advantage of.

To feel jealous of the entanglement of his past.

To feel his woe when his going gets tough.

To give him support and be helpful for him.

To always be his abode, where he can go to and have a wide smile on his face.

To tell him he has you.

To love someone is to never second guess his love for you. To have trust in him. To think of the upcoming days together. To walk together through adversities.

If we were not meant to be, either of us could walk away so easily. Yet I stayed while you persisted. So let’s grow strong together.

Things kept will be made known. I will have patience.








Today is the first time I experienced the feeling of loneliness. I was surrounded by people yet the opposite between their spirit and mine spoke volume of how badly I felt for myself and my situation. Every single person in the lecture hall was full of life, so bubbly, so cheerful. They are excited as the lengthy PRCP was over. Now they can freely go back home, go on holidays, enjoy their free time, patch up all the tiny little things and waiting for their graduation day. And soon they will embark on the next phase of their life, to enter the workforce and become an earning individual, which I am not.

On top of all this turbulence inside my head, I was also disturbed by the same old person. I’m tired and I need my alone time. I hope he understands it’s not so much about him and his mess any more. It’s just my reaction to my own situation and somehow I took it out on him too.

They cannot promise they will continue supporting me financially. They need to get approval from school and hospital to see that I still have a chance of passing the next PRCP, then they can continue providing for me. Fair enough. I know I have used up Singapore government’s money so much in the last 3.5 years. This is the last favor I could ask from them before paying back with my bond. I feel grateful they still give me a chance to speak my mind and put their hope in me again. In the meantime as they said the next PRCP won’t start so soon, I could have used my pocket money to fly home for a little while, which is not something I’m going to do. When you are at your worst and you just failed at something you were not supposed to fail, the best remedy to bring up your self-esteem is to do something else productive. At least with that you don’t feel you’re a lost cause. Doing part time jobs is my only way to deal with this. I feel tired yes after a day doing part time job, but when I get home and go to sleep at least I know the little money will be coming in my account in next few days, so I am not so useless after all.

So for the next one month until they inform when the exact repeated PRCP will start, and whether or not they will provide money for me, I will likely just take up part time jobs and earning and saving as much as I can, in case they won’t support me any more. To stay here can be a wiser decision after all. Because going back home means I can have all that privilege of being home with good friends, awesome food, extravagant outings while I absolutely don’t deserve all of that because I did not fulfill my responsibility here. So okay then. Just stay in Singapore and see what the future unfolds for me. I’m not gonna be so grudgeful about the failure any longer. Just live in the presence and be grateful for what you have and get yourself ready for the next step. Hoping things will turn out okay.


So what everybody is happy because they can finish their attachment and go home.

So what everybody is excited for the upcoming months cos they will graduate and start working as SN.

So what they have the best of their attachment with loving preceptors and good outcome.

What has become of me?

I’m the one who finished first cos they couldn’t stand having me for any more days. I’m the one who walked out of that place with a verdict hanging right above my head. I’m the one who will give my preceptor not any good impression of me but this one student who was her very first preceptee and couldn’t make it and failed the PRCP.

So what everyone’s keeping in touch with their preceptor and become good friends and colleagues after this? Because they will come back to ward and work there as SN. Every PRCP student who passes will come back to same ward and work. So what when they wonder where is the Vietnamese girl, why is she not coming back here with the rest. So what when they see me still in my fucking school uniform few months from now, still have that fucking student name tag on while the rest of my peers already wear the hospital clothes.

So what who fucking cares what they will think of me when they see me then?

So what it’s my fate my reality.

I don’t feel comfortable and happy and I decide to leave. You cannot give your rationale and reasons and every assumption you can make about my future love life and hope I will return to you. Yes you have said out the truth, very clearly from your word I came back cos of mercy for you, no more loving I just showed you mercy. But even that I myself don’t feel happy. I don’t care whether you’re old or young, rich or poor, what I need you cannot give me any more. I cannot continue the thing with you anymore, when will you understand that? You can blame me, do everything you want, say whatever you want to say. I am angry why I did not block you, because I still have respect for you. If you respect yourself you will not text after my last text. But you did. You think this time round I will return? Even said you will wait for me after 3 months? No don’t wait ever. I told you, I’m gone. My life is a mess. I don’t need to feel this anger and irritation with another person but me. So please just go. I don’t hate you. I just ask you to leave. Leave me and my life alone. Cut me off from your life because it is easier than cutting those people off. Be gone.

Let’s get the thing started

Determination mood: ON

It’s good in a way. It’s beneficial in a way. Everything has two sides of it. Or rather, you can choose how you react to reality and change your thinking, hence your emotion will change.

Being sad and down won’t help you much. You can be broken, devastated for a while. You feel like you’re a loser, cos everyone can but you can’t. But look at it in a different light, here is your chance to shine.

All you need to do now is set up your goals. What you want to achieve. Turn the bad to the good. Make the most of the next few months you’re here. Good thing school will extend your pass. So even if they don’t give you any more allowance, you can still do your part time job on your off days. You can, and you will. Because you will be stronger physically and mentally. No more late nights ending shift at 11:30. No more being dull and timid in there. You have learnt a lot from this 3 months. So take it to the next 3 months. You will exercise. You will have your own diet plan. You will not eat after you finish work at 10 pm. You will boldly take your bottle and drink water in the ward even when you are busy. You will make them know you are not someone to feel sorry for because she has failed the first time. You have a way to adjust your lifestyle to this. And no more impulsive spending. No more $15 meals, no more buffet and extravagances with friends. This is you learning how to live a life of a nurse. You can’t end work and eat like a pig every time your shift ends. You must set out a right routine for your erratic schedule. You cook your own meals and bring to ward. You want to lose weight this is your opportunity. You stay away from carb and starch. You cook your food and don’t eat out. You let the staff see you are someone who is self-reliant and they can rely on you too to do the job well. You have learnt and grown from your last 3 months. Now it is time for implementation.

No more harsh feeling. Everybody is supportive and wishing the best for you. You know your weakness and you can change them. you just take a  little more time than the rest of your peers, but it’s okay. No more ranting on how compatible you are to the job. No more ranting on how bad their English is. No more ranting on everything else. This is you facing reality. Everyone is different. Some may be helpful in your learning path by giving you comfort, some may be a challenge for you to really excel. But all they do is to help you be better and better as a future nurse. So be thankful to them. Take this failure and learn from it.

Since I have not made any New Year Resolution, here are the resolutions for this Year of the Dog.

  • Drink at least 2L of water/day
  • Eat less or stop carb
  • No biscuit, chips, all kinds of bread
  • Eat more green veggie (aka Yong Tau Foo)
  • Cook your own food (meat + veggie)
  • Finish up the last rice bag at home and no more white rice please
  • Exercise more (if no more school gym then at least exercise at home or go swimming)
  • Take up more JODs and less emotional spending as you really really need to save money for next few months. You’re going BROKE!!!! And pray that they approve your application for these jobs as you badly need to earn money now JESUSSS


Such a character who never settles for anything easy and dull. Always wanting challenges. Alright. So this is going to be your challenge then. Let’s do this thing!!

Can’t let it happen. Losers stay.

I have no other way to deal with it. I can blame it on many aspects, let’s see.

She is one hell of a control freak. Everything must be perfect, even the littlest detail. She has to make sure every word is to her taste, even the same event if the way I describe it is not to her liking, she would correct mine. I know she is extremely and ridiculously particular because I have worked with other preceptors too, no one is like her. They are more chilled and understanding. Not with her. The fact that she made me cry in first few weeks says it all. Her freaking wrong English grammar and that Chinese accent, her superior behaviour and those sighs and frowns whenever I do something not in her acceptance. WTH your acceptance. I do not do things wrongly all the time. But whatever I do you just find fault with it, is that what a preceptor’s supposed to do? Instead of encouraging her preceptee, you and your way of teaching puts her down, makes she feel bad about herself, you are so unforgiving, so unsympathetic. I know if I fail this shit, 70% because I’m not there yet, but 350% it is because of you, you maniac perfectionist.

I can’t tell mom and dad anything. They still send me messages asking to buy stuff when I come back home. How the hell can I tell them I may not be able to come home in March. I can’t go home because I have to do the PRCP all over again. Because I failed this fucking thing. I hate myself for this. With my lack of knowledge and now an OCD person as my preceptor, to hell I can pass this shit. I’m in deep shit.

How the eff can you pass it if you think so poorly of your mentor and you hate what you’re doing so much? Now you’re playing the blaming game, because you yourself are inadequate and incompetent, but also you blame your preceptor as everything she does is to put you down. She fucking yelled to your face “You forget the medication timing again? How many times already?”!!!!???? Now you wanna say bad things about that girl. Use profanity to her. Because she is gonna fail you. Because she is the reason for your failure. You hate every one. No one likes to be a failure. But you are. You can’t relax. Your body is tensed now. Tomorrow both your body and mind will be all tensed up. You are going to fuck up in there. Your last chance to prove, you will blow it away too. That’s how you are bitch. You made a mistake to follow this profession. You only thought of getting away from home. You never imagine you would be put down so low as this. People scolding you, making you feel less confident, you are losing your mind.

You are one scared little kittie who is gonna be eaten up by this world. No one can save you now. You are drowning

Will you start living your life now?

So in the short span of 1 month, about $600 of yours went down the drain. Of course, those were all used for your self-indulgence and much needed other things, yet the fact that your money is going away and you’re no longer taking up part time job, IT’S ALARMING, GIRL!!!!!

4 pm shifts in a row meaning 4 nights binge, one of which, especially in the attempt to celebrate something unknown on a whim, you brought one small-sized birthday cake which cost $16 dollars. The cake shop girl asked how many candles you need, you gave her a smile and said “no need candles”. You could have told her that “I don’t need any candles since I’m not gonna share this cake with anyone. I’m buying it now and will finish it all up either tonight or in the next morning. I’m gonna have the whole cake for myself, and it’s not even my birthday yet. That’s how awesome I am!” Yeah you should have told her that.

How great now that everyone in the ward knows you are a cry baby. Cry cry cry as if that’s all you can do. Yes sister wanna help you. Your preceptor wanna help you. No one wishes to fail you. But if you cannot show them anything better than what you are doing now, you’re doomed. And failure is just around the corner if you cannot make it to 4 cases. 4 cases in a fucking 2 weeks’ time. And you have been struggling for last one and a half month with only 2 cases!!! Are you about to be f@cked real hard or what?!

I’m sipping on my milk tea with pearls now, after yet another binge, as if it was the last time I had my binge. On one hand I spent quite a lot on food today, on the other hand I also spent just as much on something else, my sport bras! I know it sounds like an excuse that if I don’t have proper gear I can’t exercise. But that’s what happened to me and especially with all these work stress all I wanna do is to eat. But I finally came round to my sense. This cannot go on like this. I will pass the PRCP even if it’s with the lowest score. They have to see my effort because I don’t wanna fail this fucking stupid PRCP. You can only have a stronger mind with a stronger body. With the type of food that I have been feeding myself with, I could feed the whole family for 1 month or could shorten my life span for 20 years. I might have developed early symptoms of diabetes now for all I know. So, with my new pair of sport bras, I can have perhaps a little motivation to start having my body back and my life back.

I won’t say much. I haven’t really sorted out my exercise regimen nor what type of exercise I should do. But now after all the eating and spending, I think it’s time for me to say goodbye to those habits. I cannot turn my body into the body type of the girls I’m living with. Damn are they so…. urg. I won’t talk bad about people. It’s just me trying to live a healthy lifestyle for myself. So sport bras, checked. Next thing: diet. Will eat a normal 3 meals diet a day. Try to stay away from meat for now as I’m had so much meat lately. And carb, too. Imagine every night after work and you just stepped into 7-11 cos it’s the only shop that’s still open and you bought one cup of instant noodles with few chocolate bars!!??? Damn how could you do that to your body girl!!??? So yes. You still eat but try to get more veggie, less carb and meat. Probably I’ll befriend again with the Yong Tau Foo shop in Kopitiam. It’s the best.

Then, your mentality. Pleas stay strong. No matter what happened, stay strong. People already see you cry. They sort of figure out what is made of this girl. Let them be with their thoughts. Please just focus on your work. Be careful and mindful in everything you do for patients. Please you have to at least get less reminders from Liu Qing. You have to get to 4 cases and pass this stupid thing. BECAUSE YOU HATE IT SO MUCH, YOU CANNOT LET IT BEAT YOU.

You can do this Phuong! Start living your life now!








My god!!!!!!!

The taxi driver expressed his surprise and admiration when he heard my so-called American English knowing Im Vietnamese. Afterall, why not? He is a random taxi driver who is seemingly one level lower than me as a customer and here I am, speaking normal English while he is speaking his local English, of course he is surprised how come I can speak such good English, according to his standard.

My goodness how I have to adjust my English for the sake of being humble and liked in the ward. Goddamn you people. You can be awesome nurses, you have great skills and many years of experience with you YET you are in Singapore and in Singapore only can you speak like that!!!! Because if I put you in a native-English speaking country you will die for sure with your language. Trust me!!!!

But I have to make them like me. I have projected this image of a stressed and panicked girl in the ward, I cannot make them think I’m too high up there with my English if I speak how I usually speak my English. Delete all the “s” sound. Forget all the grammar. Don’t make full sentence. Put words together as long as what you say is understood. Fit in don’t be weird, don’t isolate yourself!!!! For your don’t have the skills, now if you talk to them with your normal English, how more weird they will look at you?!!

My beloved K. You are a star. You’re just gone like that without a word, not even a hint that you’re gonna leave. Seriously?? So many times you were the preceptor for other new SN, how come this time you take it so personally? And she is not even a ST yet. She is only a PRCP student!!!! The mistakes she made with you, it’s not because of you. It’s because she was lacking in her knowledge and skills, and accidentally when she was with you, she made those mistakes so next time when she was with another preceptor, she would not repeat those mistakes!!! The poor girl did not target you personally. Why did you just suddenly take Annual Leave and leave the girl homeless like that?!! You have the responsibilities of a preceptor, don’t you? I thought you must have had more patience and understanding than this, madam! And courtesy as well. If it is something about your personal issue at home, at least a text to your preceptee saying “I’m handing you over to who and who for next 4 weeks cos I’m on urgent Annual Leave.” Will that hurt???!!! But no! You told your staff, you told the sister, you told everybody but your preceptee. Who is she to you?! Just a very annoying stupid girl from Vietnam that burdens you at work and makes you feel troublesome all the time???!!!

I know I should not take this too personally either. I have nothing against you. I even feel ashamed of myself and so sorry seeing how competent you are and here I am so weak and dependent on you at work. But with this, you have lost my last bit of good impression.

If I keep going on like this, I’m afraid I may fail this PRCP. Yet what is too bad about failing? Another idle year to spend while waiting for next year’s PRCP posting and joining the year 2 students? What will I do to fill up that ample amount of time? I have no face to lose. Me choosing this job is already a mistake that I cannot go back. My parents have only me to care for. I will take care of them one way or another. Uyen also has to extend her probation for another 3 months. So that’ll be one year in total she is on probation. What’s the big deal? She still gets paid. If I waste my life for another year for the next PRCP, what’s the big deal? I hate this job anyway. My life as long as Im in Singapore is a chain of tedious long hardship and suffering anyway. Where’s the fun of living abroad anymore?

Fuck it. I’m such a stupid person.