I dreamt of him. And other thoughts

I know the force is real and strong. The spiritual connection is intense. I think of him all day during the day. I believe he also thinks of me all day. Even stuff I do for leisure like going for a movie or eating out with friends, I wish I could do with him. When I went home yesterday I cried more because of how we ended our story (temporarily). But this is the fact: Two nights in a row, Oct 20 and 21, I dreamt of him. I usually don’t dream when I sleep for that matter. But when something stuck on my mind for so long, it affects my sleep, and I dream of that thing in one form or another. I don’t know if he also dreams of me in his sleep, but with this, I know our thing, physically, it is ended, yet emotionally, spiritually, it is getting stronger and stronger. And yes I know, I will come back to him, proposing to him that idea and see if he agrees to it, 5 months from now.

I already took up some jobs. I will save money. Work on myself. I feel regret sharing more than what I should have to a friend. Now she might have thought I’m some miserable heartbroken girl who does not have a good life, who hates her job and all is so boring. Or maybe that is just me thinking that way, seeing how her job takes her to travel from one place to another. Another friend told us he is traveling to the US by the end of this year. Visa attained, tickets booked. He is taking driving license here so he could drive in the US. He works for PWC. He is on EP. His life seems so fabulous. They talked about airlines that provide cheap flights to their travel destinations: Korea, Bali, India, Europe, etc. They talked about using Uber with company fare so often that they get upgraded to Premium and used that promotion for their personal rides. They talked about best airlines that have good airplanes, in-flight food and entertainment. What a fabulous life they have. I just stayed silent. Maybe I could participate, like how I tried to tell them how it was like during my OT attachment, yet she could only commented that she was never cut out for being a nurse. Yeah, as if I were.

The movie Geostorm was alright. Just a nice movie for a nice hangout with friends. Yet the little detail about this talented yet disgruntled old man (who is also the main character) who has a 13 year-old daughter who loves him so much and all he wants when disaster strikes is her safety and his promise to get back to her, it is just a bit itchy for me. I mean maybe he and the wife are separated, yet having no mention to this wife and putting more importance on this father-daughter relationship.. Hello….? Yeah I know I am being a bit unreasonable based on my own prejudice and recent experience, but well.. Overall it is not a bad movie. I was just a bit uncool with the fact that Thu did not bring her glasses as she said they are broken and we had to sit a bit closer to the screen for her to see better. WTF girl!!?? Then I will never watch any movie with you again, as I need a good, proper distance to the screen and I don’t wanna spoil my vision only because you are too lazy to get your glasses fixed. Unbelievable!

Another small detail in the movie that I like is the fact that everyone in the space station seems to know what they are doing. All look very capable and efficient and competent. And I wish after a while I could be like that in the ward too, knowing what I do, where the stuff is, able to answer any question thrown at me by the sister, showing my knowledge and confidence in what I do. I know reading these comments on my logbook, it saddens me a bit to see they all wrote “Phuong is a soft-spoken girl, she could be more confident blah blah”. I was only so because I lack the knowledge and the skill. I am not interested in what I do hence I only do it half-heartedly and I don’t take time to do more research. That is why I come across as soft-spoken and lacking in confidence. But it should not be that way for long. I mean if I really hate nursing, I can’t let it bring me down, can I? I have to beat it! Ace it! Show it who is the boss here! Yeah that’s right. Just like Midori in Norwegian Woods. She hated her all-girl boarding school and what she studied, yet she excelled in all the subjects because she did not want to let them fail her. She won. So I must take control of this nursing thing too. I want to feel confident for once in the ward. Speak out, ask questions, show initiative, show willingness to learn, give them a good impression of this girl. Yes!

That is all for now. Let’s see if I still keep dreaming of him. And maaaan you don’t want to touch on the content of those dreams man. So let’s just stop that topic here. I have another 4 weeks of attachment to do, 2 weeks break in which I’m pretty sure if nothing happens I might just take up jobs every single day of that period, then 3 months of final attachment and graduation!!! Let’s not forget the thing back home and let’s pray it won’t interfere too much with my work here. Alright. Until next time my friend. Ciao~

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Please be the final closure

I love him. I do. I always do. But let this be the final closure. Stay strong. Stay firm. I will return shall you need me. I will return. I love you Pankaj Tripathi. I love you. So much

“Let me try to conclude

See I ended up being with you on Diwali . Physical I may have been away but my thoughts , mind , heart has been with you constantly and that’s what I meant when recently I have been assuring you but …
Enough said
I am sorry for some of the things I wrote today , I am sorry for hurting a young girl who does have a far more better upbringing, Values, ethics and her own solid character than women I have known in my recent life . I am sorry for using some words while confronting. I am sorry for making certain assumptions
More than anything I am sorry for hurting my Mi , my love and to even had such conversations
I am sorry for bringing all the stress , negativity, anxieties, insecurities, instability in your life
You right , stay with your firm decision, you should take a break from me . And no not a break to look forward to something but a break to let go Pankaj. Because if you think life will be a bed of roses when we live together then you are mistaken , I have known and seen what happens when people live under same roof , when they see each other everyday those married men and women on CL and other platforms are testimony of it  , life has constant challenges and upheaval and my past and my complexities will continue to exist in some form or the other and why would you wanna deal with them .
I fully recognize how hard it will be for you but I know you can do it . Young , single, intelligent, smart, pretty , sexy ,much wanted girl and soon financially independent so much more to look forward in life
For me , I have loved you dearly and recently have been crazy for you , insanely in love with you , could not imagine life without you , your touches ,kisses , smile , presence all became my fuel and energy and after a long time of confusion and denials had the encouragement and passion to stay in this relationship much against all odds , was on your knees last time crying and begging. What more can I say …..
 But if I don’t have you for next few months, a time in which I will be spiritually alone and have no one to share things , Time in which I have to cope up with very serious withdrawal symptoms, time in which I will miss you terribly , crave for your touches and kisses, long to see your smile and hear your voice , deal with my senses and burning desires to sleep with you … then I might as well be strong enough to run , run , run , run , run , run until I have burned myself and then immerse myself in the spiritual practices, no that’s not going to be any easy thing either it will be an evolving journey but yet I rather evolve towards a goal of self liberation and freedom from this world than towards love , romance , relationship and all the pain and misery these human relationships bring . I am 46 not growing younger , everyday without you is me getting older and older … have seen life enough so I might as well …..
This day , my heart and my body is left with you . No one will ever come close to this body as YOU . The last beautiful marks of you in the attached pic almost fading away and will never be again .
So yes go …. you are free …. from the cage of this old man and his life….. forever…. you have my wishes and blessings.
Don’t look back
Yours
Pankaj

Am I back????

Like seriously, am I back?? Will I be back for good or will this place be just a sanctuary I only come when I need a place to vent? I have treated this place badly. When I have pent-up feelings I wanna let go I pour everything out on here, yet when I suffer from mistreatment and oppression, I forget who I am and blindly let those feelings go, thinking I do not need to write it down for reflection. That is wrong. Reflection is what has helped me throughout my first two years since I came to SG, by reflection and writing them down on the site could I manage to stand strong and be the person I wanted to be. Yet for what has happened in the past 6 months, I only made use of this place when I wanted to vent. So here I am, back in my own place, the safe, unknown territory of mine, with some anonymous readers, to sit back, close my eyes, think of what is happening in my life and give it a good, decent thought.

So I am the one who made the call to put an end to “us.” I want to end “us.” He must have seen it coming with so many hints all these times. And I was too afraid to admit it. It may be any of these things: “pity” “empathy” “love” or even none of these. But the more I realize our relationship has turned into more sexual than I ever, I know I need to stop it. He will be fine. I will be fine too. In fact, although these nights I miss him, I have stopped whining and mourning about missing him. I endure it and I know the missing will go away soon. This time, it may be good for both of us. Without me, he wont need to spend on dates and hotel rooms. He wont have a nagging, temperamental gf with him, who frowns at every single texts or calls from his “other people”. This time, I am also free to focus on myself, save money to get out of SG after 3 years. May his debts be paid gradually, may he find contentment in his life, and may he find the woman who will help him with his need. I will not be that one.

These last 2 months before 2017 ends, I need to set up realistic goals in preparation for 2018. This is my transitional phase. My life post-Pankaj will be the one filled with hopes and uplifting feelings. I have to save enough money to pay back the bond and get out of SG in next 3 years. I will not let these locals destroy my English and accent. I will not speak their language. I have had enough of SG for the last 3 years. So 3 more years and I’ll be gone.

See me, this girl is going to leave this country for good. You have done a great job shaping up and broadening this girl’s little mind ever since she came here in Dec 2014. People she met, things she only knew since she got here, now, let it be another chapter in her life in Singapore, no more life of a student, welcome to the real working world. Singapore, show me what you have for me as a working professional, then we shall say goodbye in 2020. Until then, let’s help each other get through this.

How I lost “…” kg

I put it in “…” as I still haven’t lost any weight yet. But I believe I will. With this lifestyle, this new routine, this exercise regimen..

Last night, for the first time in how many months already, I slept for 10 hours straight, from 10pm to 8am. Well of course I remembered getting up for pee 2 times at 12 something and 5 something in the morning, but I still slept so much more than my normal sleeping hours.

Last night, I finally had no one to text to. Yesterday after getting off from work at 3pm, I did what was needed to be done outside and came home around 5:30pm. I did not have to tell anyone where I am, what I do. I don’t have to report to anyone my schedule or my plan for the day. After coming home, I decided to go out again for some evening binge and yes, I had a few ice-cream, some buns and yes I felt very full, but that was satisfying. I did not have to wait for anyone’s texts, making sure I am available all the time for him. Last night I felt free and independent. And since there was no night texting, I felt sleepy easily after a few minutes on my bed scrolling up facebook, so I slept. No good night text, no messages saying “I love you” or “I miss you”. But I know, I will be fine in the morning. And I am. It’s 10 hours straight of sleep and I can’t feel anymore energized than this. No disturbance from that one person, now I am on my own and can  take care of myself more.

Plan for the rest of this week and next week before my home visit on Oct 1st:

  • No more binges
  • Get at least 8 hours of sleep
  • Exercise when you can
  • Stick to your eating plan
  • Find  part time jobs to fill up that ample time next week + earn more money
  • Go for a swim

But first I need to feel less bloated since last night’s binge so now all I can do is wait. After that I’m gonna weight myself and see what I can do to reduce that to a certain weight when I come home.

I love myself too much to feel sad or deserted by someone. I have my own life and I am in control of it.

Watch me I will be better.

 

I dreamed of him

Last night I dreamed of him. Because during the day, he was all that occupied my mind. I thought of how he must be right now, with the new job, new environment. Can he share what he shared with me to his wife? Can he really do what I told him to do in my last texts? I ruined it again. He was just being honest with me about us. About him taking me as his priority. Yet my feelings were too overwhelmed. I pushed him away for his honesty. I just left him right when he needed me. But what can I do. He would never promise a future with me. Then why making effort for me anymore. His family is still there, he is forever with them even when love between him and his wife has vanished. I am just another woman. He needed me there for him, as he is alone here and he needs someone.

I love him. And I miss him. But I can’t see him. I block him, then unblock, then block him again. I’m waiting for his texting, saying how much he missed me. I will respond with the same intensity, for I miss him too. But whenever I think of him tears come to my eyes. I am still a young girl, who happened to fall in love with a married man. And yes he will never leave his family for me, cos he does not have the means to, cos his other financial strain prevents him from doing so. He knows the day would come. The day when either of us is the one who breaks up again. He knows that when he broke up with me many times before. This love is pure and divine. Yet one has to learn to let go of the other, for the happiness of the other. He knows he cannot bring me any more happiness. The more I stay with him, the more pain I will get. That’s why he cried and said “sorry” on that day. That’s why he burst out again when I called him and checked on him. He’s only got me. It’s me and me alone. Yet he can never be with me. He’s never mine and I can never show him, saying this is my man to the world. It’s only two of us, behind closed door, being close to each other’s body. Yet outside, we are nothing. I am no one in his life and he is no one in  mine. So I have to learn to let go. This pain is too much. It is killing me. I know he feels the same pain too. It’s been torturing him so many times when he told me about his inner conflict, his conscience. Now let’s face it one last time. And weather the storm. The pain will go away in due time. Yet it is now to stay. So just bear with me. Keep each other in mind. Think of each other fondly. Think of me being the one special girl you’ve met for a short while in your life, and yet the thing she left in you, is everlasting, is forever and ever. I love you Pankaj Tripathi.

Random thoughts on dating

My rule for choosing guy is simple.

#1. You can be as playful as you want but if 50% of your jokes is sex-related right in the first time we talk, next!

#2. I can always sense how much interest you have when talking to me, no matter if its online or offline. So if you don’t take time to get to know me and just wana quick F, next!

#3. You may be taken aback when I say I only sleep with my bf so yeah, in order for you to be in the bed with me, you have to at least go through all that steps to become my bf or something close to that, which always takes time and effort.

#4. It’s not your problem that my ideal height for men is above 5’10”. Everyone has her own standard, especially for a tall girl like me. Your problem is the way you take my answer for an ideal height of a man, and how suddenly defensive you become.

#5. Even if it’s not a date yet and just a little hangout for the very first meetup, the last place I wanna go with you is a secluded, dimly-lit place and your reason for going there is “We have more privacy to talk and get to know each other”. I say “Bullshit!”

#6. No I am cute and outspoken. I dress well and hyperactive. I speak loudly when I’m excited and as quite as a mouse when I feel uncomfortable.  Those things can go together.

#7. We all know what we want. So if I find out your real intention and bid your farewell, please respect that instead of making it all about me and you’re so innocent.

 

More missing coming this way

I miss your smell. I miss that big yet soft body. I miss your broad shoulder. I miss your voice. I remember how much I cried when we broke up, many times we broke up. Recently I remember how you tried so hard to get me back to you when I wanted to go away. It’s like we are playing tug of war. Always there must be one person who pulls while the other lets go. This time you simply shared with me your thoughts. And you wanted to go to the end of it. For how long, I ask you. Two weeks, three weeks from now You will message me again, and I will fall back to you again. Lust is just another supplement to this relationship. Yes it’s nameless. Yes it’s not leading to anything. Yes it’s fragile and easily to be broken. But isn’t it soo elastic? It can bend, can break, can strengthen itself in such a way the parties involved will always find a way back to each other. You and I. Pankaj Tripathi.